I need holidays

Maybe it’s the Summerish weather, me waking up early hours daily for another week or dehydration, but I get really confused when I think about what to do after graduating. The closer I get to the date, the more confused I feel. Don’t mind me wrong. This is not one of those eyes-wetting, beautifully nostalgic and hope-overloaded graduating post. I’m gonna make one later. This is not even my first graduation – I’ve already changed university once in my life. It is even nearly impossible to compare the two, since, as I remember it, two years ago, at least I had some backup plan what to do next and even though things were not any kind of simple then, I had any plans.

I know, my life motto says “This does not make sense, but is still my style.” Also, I agree that this world is meant for the brave ones. Or stupid. But stupid are always the lucky ones, so… Well, there is also this thing:


Fuck me. I am panicking. Slightly. I admit it. I mean, who is not? Everyone is. You know that our generation may be the first one to live on a lower standard of living than our parents? Isn’t this insane? Even though, it is not at all unpredictable, still it leaves you shocked and confused. I  hope that any of the people reading this statement will feel kicked in their asses and maybe motivated to go forward. I do. My only problem is, which way?

The days are coming that I need to buy elegant shoes for the exam. I have no idea what shoes to buy, flat or heels. I have no freaking idea on the shoes I need, so how can I think about how to get through the next year? Even my soon not to be a student status is confusing for me. I really want to learn a lot. Still. I think I could manage getting a PhD but I feel like there is no fucking way I can get to PhD program at my uni. I will try but I don’t think it’s possible. However, I have no idea what I would write my PhD thesis about. Maybe I should choose a different uni? But is there any to take my application seriously? So many questions! Maybe I should just go to a post-grad school. But they are expensive. Though, there is one I really wish I could go to, it’s Women’s Studies concerned. Maybe I could. The fuck I can. So, where should I get money for this? Gah.

The only thing I am sure of is that I want to continue writing my novel soon. Also, there was this podcast idea brought to my attention and maybe I could try it with this DW parody. Just for exercise. I need to go back to writing the audio play and getting it produced (finally, there is the end to exams this month so the recording shall start). I have to get my hands on it finally.

Damn I miss my novel. Is this normal?

And I really dream of holidays. I need to work this Summer and also I should find an additional job (me vs job hunting: 0:1). But I wish I could go visit my parents and sis and stay home like for a week or so. I wish I could spend a day just sitting on a porch with ice coffee and a book (and I really feel like reading some Hemingway). My wish for summer holidays may be real in August, since there will be even less job, as I can see that now. Hm.

Fuck I really have nothing planned. How did that happened?



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